Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Historical Spam

I have a mailbox on my website, which collects its fair share of spam. Most of the spammers seem to be under the impression that I require a great deal of medication to keep me going from day to day, though in fact the only being in our household who has a prescription is Ginny the cat, who takes Prozac. And she gets hers from the vet.

So this morning as I was deleting my spam, I thought to myself, What if historical figures got spam? And so--yes--another blog post was born.

Anne Boleyn

Frustrated because no matter how hard you try, you can’t produce a male heir? Don’t worry, try Heir-Be-Here! Tested on hordes of the lower classes, this revolutionary new product guarantees a living boy within nine months of the first application.

Try it today. Don’t delay.

Queen Isabella

Lonely? Neglected by your husband? Don’t sit at home and pity yourself. Try our dating service, Lusty Lords. You’ll find plenty of REAL MEN to choose from. Just put a hood over that pretty head of yours and come on by to our headquarters in the Tower.

Richard III

Need to find missing persons? Our staff of trained investigators can do the job! Engage our services today and get our two-for-one special!

Margaret Beaufort

Are you a mother who wants the very best for your son? Then you’ll want to get this fine educational toy, I Can Be King, to stimulate your son’s imagination and ambition. Comes with miniature soldiers, horses, vessels, subjects, a well-connected bride, papal dispensations, and everything else your son needs to start his very own kingdom.

Edward IV

Are you having performance problems these days? This is a common problem for all aging men and can be easily rectified with our amazing product, Splendik. Take a dose right before you have your lady friend over and you’ll be thrilled with the results! So will she!

Skeptical? Just listen to what Will H. said about our product: “I took Splendik and it changed my life! Now even my best friend wants the luscious babes I get!”

8 comments:

Nan Hawthorne said...

Richard the Lionhearted

Your Kind Assitance Is Sought

I am Mr. Sal A. Din. My emirs have collected an unprecedented amount of dinars for a good cause and I need someone to come and get it and take it back to a good, secure exchequer.

I will send you enough marks to cover your expenses if you can pick up the gold at Acre by summer of 1191.

Edward I

YOU ARE ALREADY APPROVED!!!!!! Need money for a war with, say, Scotland? London Jewry Lenders Association has the loan you need, any amount, guaranteed! Evcen if you have thrown us out of your country, just bring us back and we'll write that check today!

Nan Hawthorne
Blue Lady Tavern

Carla said...

Great stuff - Ye Olde Spamme was evidently much better targeted than its modern equivalent!

elena maria vidal said...

Hilarious! Yes, the spam drives me crazy!

Susan Higginbotham said...

Nan, loved yours! With your permission I'll elevate them to a main post so they won't get buried amid the comments.

Thanks, Carla and Elena. Carla, I think the marketing abilities of medieval and Tudor spammers have been sadly underestimated.

Daphne said...

These are hilarious. I was laughing so hard I was crying!! Thanks for making my day.

Gabriele C. said...

Germanicus must have missed an email.

Want to become Emperor? We have the Mutineering Legions TM Package: three on the Rhine and three on the Danube for you to take and kick uncle Tiberius off his ivory chair in the Palatine.

And the special offer only valid until June 14 AD: The German rebels are willing to make a treaty with you, becuase Arminius doesn't like Tiberius, either. You can even get some Cheruscian cavalry.

Susan Higginbotham said...

Thanks, Daphne! Loved your contribution, Gabriele.

Anonymous said...

Except the spammers can't spell anything right, so it would probably be something like Air-Be-Hear!