Historical Stocking Stuffers

So what are some famous folk (and some lesser known beings) asking for as Christmas presents? Fellow blogger Nan Hawthorne and I have devoted some thought to this burning question:

Ethelred the Unready -- a day planner

Alfred the Great - an oven timer

Aethelflaed, Lady of the Mercians - for Bernard Cornwell to get me right in his novels

Harold Godwinson - Edward the Confessor's will in writing.. or not

Godiva of Coventry - super hold hair spray

Offa of Mercia - a really butch dyke

Ivar the Boneless - need you ask?

Aethelwald, son of Ethelred - primo genitor.

Lawrence of Críslicland - for a certain Breton mercenary to take a long walk off a short pier

William Rufus -- A new archery set.

Edward I: Scotland.

Piers Gaveston: Just something handmade. No, really! Well . . . if you insist, jewels are always appropriate.

Isabella of France: My jewels back.

Hugh le Despenser the younger: Whatever someone else is getting.

Roger Mortimer: Hugh on a platter.

Edward II: Fodor's Guide to Italy. Or some Sears Craftsman tools . . . or a craftsman.

Edward III: France.

Edward IV: Getting to Yes.

Elizabeth Woodville: An agreeable second husband who will be nice to my large family.

Richard, Duke of Gloucester: Something round and gold and shiny that fits nicely on my head.

Henry Tudor: Something round and gold and shiny that fits nicely on my head.

Margaret Beaufort: Only the best for my darling, sweet Henry.

Elizabeth of York: My mother-in-law to go on a long pilgrimage. Preferably to the Holy Land.

Henry VIII: 6 free sessions of marriage counseling.

Anne Boleyn: Morning sickness.

Katherine Howard: Someone around my own age to pal around with.

Katherine Parr: Widow's weeds.

Boswell the cairn terrier: Mom to get off her duff and take me for a walk.

Ginny, Onslow, and Stripes: A wing chair apiece so we don't have to share them with those presumptuous two-legged beasts and that irritating dog.

Happy holidays, all, and thanks for suggesting this, Nan!